Buffalo wings and bleu cheese

Yes, I'm kicking off 'dumb diets week' with Atkins.

Ahh, Atkins. A favorite of lifelong dieters like myself.

When it was found out that such a sinfully delicious party food as buffalo wings had NO CARBS, the dieting community went bursurk. Myself included. I was on the Atkins wagon as soon as I heard. I also ate lots of bacon, eggs, and cheese as a part of my new healthy lifestyle.

The Atkins episode also brings pork rinds to mind. Almost chips, but not quite. They were Atkins legal, though, and you could pretend you were eating Fritos. I'm not sure what part of the pig the 'rind' comes from. If you know, don't tell me.

Another highlight of this chunk of my life was peeing on keto-strips purchased at Walgreens. This offered confirmation that your body had entered a state of ketosis, which meant you were getting skinny.

The novelty wore off of pork rinds and buffalo wings after about two weeks.


Then I got stuck in this pattern:

breakfast: ate eggs and bacon (dreamed of wrapping them in a soft warm tortilla)

midmorning: ate some cheddar to cheer myself up (mentally back on the wagon)

lunch: semi-enjoyed a chunk of beef (feeling a little disgusted)

afternoon: had some more cheese (not as gratifying this time, starting to waver)

dinner: lost my resolve and had some cereal (at this point I decide Atkins is ridiculous and I should just 'eat healthy' to lose weight)

Next morning: having to decide between my new plan B (which meant eating yogurt) or getting back on the Atkins wagon, I choose bacon and eggs.

And the pattern continues.


Did anyone else give pork rinds a try in the 90's?

Dumb diets week

Since I started my birthday resolution to lose weight before I turn 30, I've thought a lot about the diets that I've tried over the years. The list is long! This week I'll be writing about the dumber of the dumb diets I've tried. What are the dumbest diets you've tried? Please share! Chances are I've tried it too, but may have forgotten.

mysterious

Sometimes I wonder if the 'stolen' yogurt could actually have been misplaced. Or forgotten at home. Or already eaten by it's rightful owner, who may or may not be suffering from mommy brain.

4 months, highs AND lows

Today is Carolyn's 1/3 birthday. We didn't get a cake.



Here are my little punkin head's current favorite hobbies:

• looking at her hands (This doubles as her superhero impersonation.)


• screeching and laughing like there is a par-teh going on


• rolling over and over and over (This doubles as her enchilada impersonation. I think she's going to be a TexMex fan like me.)





• smiling at anyone who talks to her


• taking baths

The big change for me during this past month of mommy-hood was going back to work. It's been tough, but we're doing fine. The main problems I'm struggling with are baby brain (or is it 'mommy brain'? I can't remember...) and sleep deprivation/moodiness. Examples:

• I've missed my exit on my way to work twice in the past week. I've worked on the same street for four years.

• On a nightly basis I go into the kitchen to take my vitamins, walk back to the living room, and then can't remember if I took the vitamins or not.

• I recently tried to start a fight with my sweet hubby about RICE at 5 in the morning. Luckily he didn't take the bait. He must have gotten smart after the peanut butter spat the day before.

7 minutes in heaven

Yesterday I spent 7 minutes in heaven. Actually it was 45 minutes in a waiting room. A glorious waiting room. Pretty much the 'holy of holies' of waiting rooms. It was the inner sanctum of the Austin Breast Center. (I was having this old problem double checked. I'm fine.)

Here's what made it a heavenly experience:

• I was alone. (I'm a loner, remember?)


• There was a minifridge.


• It was stocked with Diet Dr. Pepper.


• Cozy couch.


• A dozen current magazines.


• Flat screen tv and a remote all for me.


• Fluffy terrycloth robe, which I wore like a Snuggie.


• Room is situated beyond a door that says 'No men permitted beyond this point.'

I think that's how they get busy moms to come back for another mammogram every year. Brilliant.

Monday update

Minus 4 pounds! This is a total of 9.4 pounds, if you're counting. And I am.

Week two went well. I'm still sort of doing weight watchers. Mainly I'm eating less junk and more good stuff.

One highlight of the week was going walking with a friend rather than going out to eat. I did miss the queso. But it was still lovely.

Hope everyone had a good weekend!

If I'd only known...

If I'd only known that the crib would be used as extra storage,

I wouldn't have installed the mobile.

(today's post inspired by Cassidy's chocolate reindeer)

If you snap the onesie on the outside of the pants...

Your baby will look like a jazzerciser.

Or a superhero.

Neighborhood eye candy

C and I have been going for walks in the neighborhood pretty regularly. On a recent walk I took some photos that you can think of next time your HOA is giving you a headache.

(remember Austin is weird?)

Aluminum Tree

Year-round Nativity

Totalled Keeper

YardList

(yardsale/ craigs list hybrid)

Horse Head

Dreaming of lawn ornaments

Got it!

Monday update

Minus 5.4 pounds! Woohoo! Don't expect that every week. This isn't the Biggest Loser.

Week one went well. I've done Weight Watchers (about a million times) before, so I read up on their weight loss guidelines for nursing moms. I'm not writing down what I eat, but I'm pretty much counting WW points in my head. I might start keeping a food journal sometime. Maybe not.

I didn't exercise a whole lot, but I did take C on a few walks. My neighborhood has some pretty sweet eye candy, by the way. I'll share that later this week.

Thank you so much for the sweet comments on the blog and FB, as well as positive thoughts! (Of course I'm also grateful to Mike for the smoothies.)

I hope you have the day off for MLK like I do!

One year ago today

This weekend last year, we went to the lake to celebrate my birthday.

I suspected I might have been pregnant but planned on waiting until we got home to find out. I didn't want a negative test to put a damper on the weekend.

On Saturday morning I woke up before Mike. I felt pregnant. I don't mean morning sickness or any physical symptoms, I just knew I was pregnant.

So I made a quick trip to the store, returned to the lake house, took the test, and woke Mike up to have him wait the two minutes with me.

What a beautiful day.

Did you know I'm THAT kind of mom?

When Carolyn was one week old I took her to church.



I had a horrifying experience while there. This is a transcript of the phone convo between me and my mom moments after church was over.



mom: Hello?



me: Mom, you will not BELIEVE what some total jerkwad at church did.



mom: What? Who?



me: The greeter! He said my baby was cute, then he TOUCHED HER MOUTH WITH HIS BARE HAND!



mom: Oh.



me: I know! I was like 'Are you finished infecting my baby? Can I go into the service now, or do you want to cough in her face?'



mom: I bet he just did it without thinking.



me: WHATEVER! That guy had shaken about 8 jillion hands before he touched her! I'm going to make a sign to stick on her that says 'Keep your nasty swine flu hands OFF my precious baby.'



mom: That seems a little extreme.






I think my mom thought I might actually make and wear such a sign. Next time I saw her she had gotten me a much more polite version. Two actually. I keep one on the carseat and one on the sling.

*If you are THAT kind of mom, too, you can order your sign here.

another reason

This is a photo my hubby took on his visit home to Uganda last summer. I didn't go because I was too pregnant to fly.

I am going with him this coming summer.

This is one of those cultures where telling someone they're fat is a compliment.

That's one more reason for me to lose weight.

I won't take it as a compliment.

Commands

Being a teacher of seven and eight year olds, many of my 'clients' do not share well with others.

I have one real turkey in my class this year. He is FOREVER hoarding everyone's favorite classroom books in his desk, just so they can't read them.

Today one little girl had had enough.

After Turkey had denied many book requests from her friends, she marched right up to him and said "I COMMAND YOU TO GIVE ME OLIVIA!"

And he did.

This evening at Subway, I considered using her strategy on the sandwich artist who NEVER honors my request for easy lite mayo. I'll probably do it next time I'm feeling sassy.

What command would you like to give?

men are from mars

When I told my hubby about my birthday wish to have a healthy BMI by next year, he immediately asked how he could help. He's great. I know.

I told him he could make me a smoothie in the morning while I'm getting ready for work. Making a smoothie is not too time consuming, but the cleanup is a hassle. That's why I wanted him to do it.

I thought he knew that.


I laughed out loud when I read his note on day 1 of smoothie making:



Only a man would think he needed to spell it out, even when he'd left quite a few 'clues' behind.

BIG announcement

I've struggled with my weight almost my whole life.

I'm 29 today. Knockin' on 30's door.

If I don't get my weight situation under control now, I'm afraid I'll be singing the same tune for the rest of my life. I don't want that. And I ESPECIALLY don't want to pass this problem on to my precious daughter.

So I need your support!

I'm going to post my weight every Monday, hoping that the accountability of having shared my issue with the whole world* will motivate me to keep up the good fight.

Wish me luck!

*I know the whole world doesn't read my blog. But they could. Except China. I'm sure it's banned there.

Another unglorious parenting moment

Yesterday I bundled C up in a sweatshirt with a hood before putting her in the car. It's cold in Austin.

A few minutes into our trip she started wimpering. Then fussing. Then crying. I kept telling her "You're fine! Everything's okay!"

Mommy's a liar.

Did anyone else accidentally blindfold their baby with a hoodie for nearly an hour this weekend?

Two days until my birthday.

Yup, in two days it's my birthday. So I just sent my husband an email reminder, text reminder, and also put a note on the refrigerator. Are you wondering why I am so gracious?

In 2007, Mike forgot my birthday.

For two and a half years I reminded him of his crime at EVERY time the following things came up in conversation:

• cake
• candles
• birth
• birthdays
• gifts
• wrapping paper
• sad memories
• things that will never be forgotten
• celebration
• January
• the number eleven
• the town of San Marcos (this was the setting of the '07 debacle)

And then in October of 2009, I forgot his birthday. And he never mentioned it.

BTW: I have a BIG announcement coming up on my birthday. Stay tuned!

name game

I recently read an article similar to this one while waiting to see the pediatrician. Did you know that people with too much money are PAYING consultants to help name their baby? I suspect this trend was prompted by the popularity of wacky Hollywood baby names. Everyone wants their own version of Apple Martin or Pilot Inspektor. Well, dear readers, you are in luck. I am providing a FREE list of unique baby names, courtesy of Facebook security words.


Boy names:
Inc. Fishery
Horace Camera
Hornet July
Kadinisberg Impugn
Ruez Morial
Barrell 3/8
Pygmy Cabana


Girl names:
Galiva Gruels
Martha Sequin
Truce Beekeeper
Sprout Alternator
Cotton-Gin Abbey
Fancy Lock-jaw
Halogen Funk

You're welcome.

My Prince Cheapskate

My husband has MANY quirks. Somehow a few of them eluded me before we got hitched. Then they surfaced and drove me nuts. Gradually I got used to them. Now they just add to his charm.



One of these quirks is cheapness.



This was one of the first 'unknowns' that I discovered after marriage. I never really knew it before hand because we didn't live together, and he only visits his frugality on himself. With me and other loved ones, he's more than generous. But with himself, he couldn't be tighter.



He loves nothing more than to put on an ugly shirt and say "see this shirt? Nineteen ninetyfive." He's not talking about the price, folks. That's the year he got the shirt.



This man has no shame when it comes to holding on to money.

Exhibit A:

The piece of paper in front of the bad mango is a note from him to me, reading "DO NOT THROW AWAY." Why not throw away a bad piece of fruit? Because he planned to return it to the grocery store and get his dollar fifty back. (If you're curious about the monster in the refrigerator, you can read about it here.)



Another facet of his cheapness is an intense affection for change. He delights in paying for purchases with coins. This was the source of much friction when we were newlyweds. Now he warns me ahead of time so I can hide while he's counting nickels with ten people behind him in line at WalMart. When the cashier acts annoyed, Mike says in his Ugandan accent "I understand this is United States currency. Is that accurate?" This makes me smile every time (from my hiding place of course).

What quirks do you love about your mate?

I think I'm gonna make it...

Today was my first REAL day back at teaching after maternity leave. I didn't know if I would survive. But I did. I'm very lucky to have my hubby and my mom to take care of Carolyn while I'm working. It really makes it so much easier to be away from her knowing she's in the capable hands of family.

Yesterday was a teacher work day, which means no students. It was awful. I was weepy and emotional all day. I had a break down every time someone asked 'how's the baby?' Of course those poor souls were just making polite small talk, not expecting a 28 year old woman to start sobbing right before their eyes.

I was really afraid that I'd do the same thing today when my students started with the baby questions. But I didn't. It was a belated Christmas miracle.

And it was fortunate too, because they sure did lay it on thick with the questions. Here are a few of my favorites (BTW, I'm a bilingual second grade teacher, so my students are native Spanish speakers 7 and 8 years old):

• Does your baby drink milk from your booby?
• Where is your baby?
• Does she drink milk from her grandma's booby?
• Does she speak English or Spanish?
• If you're white and her dad is black how come she's Mexican?
• Why didn't you have twin babies?
• If you had twin babies could one be white and one be black?
• Was she naked when she came out of your tummy?
• Do you have another baby in your tummy?
• When are you going to have another baby in your tummy?
• Will that baby be black or white?

Then after school at the faculty meeting, in front of a mixed group of coworkers, a TEACHER asked "What did it feel like when the baby was coming out?" Not wanting to top my embarrassment from yesterday's public wailing, I said "Oh, it's not so bad."

favorite things

A few days ago I shared a few things that annoy me more than they should. Here are a few things that delight me more than they should:

1. Middle aged men in sports cars. I don't mean this in a making-fun sort of way. I think it's great when someone buys something that they really love.

2. Holiday Reese's. My friend Leslie once told me they are better than regular Reese's. She's right. The only thing that makes me happier is when I score some half price the day after a holiday.

3. Guests on Maury that pronounce his name wrong. Example: "Murry, they aint no way I'm that baby daddy."

4. Toyota trucks that say 'YO' on the tailgate. (I couldn't find a picture of one. Please help!)

5. Baby yawns.

What makes your list?

I'm blue.

I have to go back to work tomorrow after three wonderful months of maternity leave with my sweet baby.

So I'm blue.

I'm wishing I had spent every possible moment of my pregnancy finding a job I could do from home.

I'm dreading being in my classroom and not giving 100% to my second graders while my mind is on my baby.

I'm annoyed at myself for not being grateful for having a job when so many people don't.

I'm blue.

Flip Flop

Every time my nephews come over this is how they spend their time:

A few days ago, two of them came to spend the afternoon with me. I REALLY want to be the fun aunt, so I thought I would scare them and get it on my beloved Flip camera.

I set up a scary guy in the fridge and put the camera in there also to catch their reactions.

Then I asked one of them to get me a diet coke, and waited for the fun.
Boy, was he terrified to find a monster in the fridge!

So, that was a flop.
Then I asked if they would like to make a craft.
No, they would not. That's lame.
So I asked what they wanted to do that was not lame.

Resolution

For the new year I have one simple resolution. I want to stop sweating the small stuff. I’ve noticed that there is a LOT of small stuff that just gets to me. Here are a few of the small things that I will learn to ignore in 2010:


1. my sweet husband leaving a mess EVERY time he makes his African tea (annoying, but not worth getting worked up about)

2. kids in my class who make their shoes squeak while walking down the hall (If I can’t beat them, might as well join them.)

3. people who pay by check at retail stores (but you already knew that one from this post)

4. children's clothing with statements that promote an inflated but empty ego

Is there any small stuff you want to ignore in 2010? Please share!