5 months, highs and lows

Sweet C turned 5 months old yesterday. And I'm not happy about it. Because next comes 6 months, which is just 30 days away from seven months. Seven months is closer to one year than to 0 years. I just don't like it.

This month has been delightful, however. She's moved on from rolling over to wanting to sit up ALL THE TIME. She can't do it by herself, but don't tell her that. Fortunately Grandma got her a Bumbo seat. She loves it. She's still a happy baby. She laughs and laughs at anyone who will talk to her. She's starting grabbing things and is SO happy with herself when she does.

The lows this month are all time management related. It is REALLY hard for me to be a good wife, mom, and teacher all at the same time. It's seriously way harder than I expected. Notice this months' picture is C hanging out in my classroom. There's just not enough time to get things done well. Things that are not top priorities just don't get done, even if they are important.

Eg: baby wipes + deodorant = shower.

Quack quack

Guess what is on this duck's head.

A fro.

Do you see it?


I've never seen a duck with so much style before.

Just had to share.

My little thinker/ finger chomper

It's snowing!

It is snowing in Austin, big fluffy snowflakes!

I had been hoping for a snow day, but it didn't happen in time.

Instead, we got an EARLY RELEASE day. This is the redheaded stepchild of snow days. It's much worse than staying all day. This is how it goes:

• Principal announces that school will be dismissed early.
• Students go NUTS. The announcement has the same effect on a 7 year old as a dozen cupcakes and a can of Red Bull would.
• Teacher has to make twenty phone calls to make sure kids have a ride home.
• Phone calls are interrupted by students who've lost their minds.
• Teacher starts shouting vain threats. (Eg: If you don't sit down and work on your math, you'll never have recess again...)
• Teacher returns to phone calls.
• Teacher goes into Jekyll/ Hyde mode juggling yelling at students/ politely talking to parents on the phone.
• School secretary begins calling on the intercom for students whose parents have already arrived.
• Parents who didn't answer phone because they thought their kid was in trouble have now had time to listen to message and begin calling back.
• Secretary calls on intercom for 'Eric'. All three Erics start doing cartwheels and 9 kids run to tell teacher about the multiple Eric situation.
• Buses arrive, but not all of them.
• Teacher waits with remaining students.
• Vain threats get even more ridiculous. (Eg: If you don't read your library book quietly, I'm going to melt all the snow...)
• Remainder of buses arrive.
• Teacher gets to leave, arrives home 11 minutes earlier than usual.

Monday update

Minus 1 pound this week, 15 in all. I thought I had done better than that, but I'm glad to be going in the right direction.

Sister weekend

I just got back from spending the weekend with my sister and our girlies. It was great. We did absolutely nothing besides hang out. I hope your weekend was equally relaxing!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Thank you so much, my dear sweet blog readers, for solving the problem I wrote about yesterday. My quality of life improved drastically today. I had no idea that there was such an easy fix to my pumping problem. I didn't even buy one of the special pumping bras, I just cut holes in a bra I already had.

It works like a dream!

Here is all that I accomplished today in the 24 minutes I have for lunch, gracias a my newfound multitasking ability:

• had a text conversation with my husband
• ate pretzels, an orange, and a lite string cheese (I'm back on the wagon.)
• made a 2nd grade math assesment for addition and subtraction with borrowing/ regrouping
• had a phone conversation with a parent
• produced 5 ounces of milk

I have never felt so productive!

Thanks again for the suggestions!

Hopeless multitasker seeks suggestions

I am a hopeless multitasker.

I cannot stand to do just one thing at a time. I leave every faculty meeting with a detailed grocery list. I blog while nursing baby C. But I've met my match. Yes, the breastpump.

It is IMPOSSIBLE to pump milk and accomplish a secondary task that a gal can feel proud of. If you've never been hooked up to one of these beauties, should know that it takes two hands on-deck at all times.

What makes this situation so awful is that I pump at work several times a day. So I'm staring at so many tasks that need my attention, and unable to do any of them.

I have tried a few secondary tasks and failed. My least embarrassing failure was trying to text with my nose. My nasal dexterity just wasn't up for the task. And I think I may have licked my desk. That wouldn't be such a problem if I wasn't an elementary teacher. But since it's flu season, I'm giving up on that one.

I have started drinking Diet Dr Pepper through a straw while I pump. It works, but it doesn't give me the satisfaction that true multitasking does.

I need help, ladies! Give me your best suggestion of what I can do hands-free while milking myself.

I didn't do it.

But I did laugh.

Monday update

Minus .6 this week, 14 pounds total. This week stunk. Not because of a small loss, but because I fell off the wagon. Darn you, second grade Valentines party! I'm disappointed, but ready to get back on track.

My little Valentine...

is now intrigued by the camera.

McDilemma

I had an interesting experience at the McDonald's drive thru today. Everything was normal when I ordered my vanilla cone* and paid for it at the first window.

When I got to the second window to pick up my order, however, this is the riveting dialogue that took place:

Rudolfo: Mam, I've just been told we don't have any soft serve.

Me: Oh, okay.

Rudolfo: Would you like 3 chocolate chip cookies or two hot apple pies?

Me: No thanks.

Rudolfo: You have to pick, cause you already paid.

Me: I'll just take my dollar and seven cents back.

Rudolfo: You have to pick another item that's the same price, because we don't give refunds unless you're dissatisfied with your order.

Me: I'm dissatisfied with my vanilla cone. It has no taste, to the point that it's actually invisible.

Rudolfo: I understand. How can I resolve this problem for you?

Me: Give me my dollar and seven cents back.

As I drove off with my refund, I was a little disappointed that I hadn't thought of a more creative resolution to the problem. I think Rudolfo would washed my car if I asked.

*3 ww points

Parent Teacher Conferences, demystified

I have conducted 19 teacher-parent conferences in the last 36 hours. I'm pretty sure that qualifies me as some sort of expert.

If you have such a meeting with your child's teacher coming up, you may want to study my parent-teacher conference thesaurus where you can cross-reference what the teacher says and what the teacher means.

• "He / she is great at science!" = Can't read, can't add.

• "He / she is very active!" = 1)Please stop feeding him / her sugar coated chocolatey sprinkle flakes before school. 2)Please medicate your child.

• "I'd like to see him / her become more of an independent worker." = Your kid follows me around all day like a hungry abandoned puppy.

• "He / she is a sensitive child." = Crybaby.

Cousins

Today when I picked C up after work, my mom showed me this cute picture she'd taken after nap time. I think she was commemorating the rare occasion of both girls sleeping at the same time. I'm so glad C gets to spend her time away from me with her grandma and her cousin.

Dining etiquette

Today when I picked my class up from the cafeteria after lunch, one of my boys was in trouble.

The offense: trying to stick grapes underneath the bottoms of his classmates.

When I asked why (after I quit laughing), he said:

I just wasn't hungry for grapes today.

Watch out, friends. I think he was really onto something. Next time I have unwanted food on my plate, I just might stick it under the bottom of my dining companion.

Monday update

Minus 2 this week. That's 13.4 in all. (8 sticks of butter this week, 53 2/3 in all)

Dumb diets week grand finale: WW

If I were to write an autobiography, I could divide my life into chapters based on what version of Weight Watchers I was doing at the time. I've shared some of the other dumb diets I've done, but WW has always been my 'go to' diet.

I have started and quit WW a minimum of three times a year since I was ten years old. So at 29, that's about 57 times. That should qualify me as a lifetime member even though I've never reached my goal weight.

Here are a few of the highlights from my lifetime of WW:

* I remember a WW leader who would celebrate each members' loss by announcing how many 'sticks of butter' they'd lost. There are four sticks in a pound, so if someone lost half a pound, she'd say "Way to go, that's two sticks of butter!" I think of that every time I see a stick of butter.

* The last time I was a member (11-09), one chick shared the following recipe for 'WW Blizzard': in blender, combine one WW smoothie packet, five ice cubes, half a cup of water, and a nutri-grain bar. Blend for thirty seconds. Enjoy! DQ should file a lawsuit for slander.

*During one of my more successful runs with WW, I was attending meetings at 2pm on Sundays. Every week, I didn't eat anything before the meeting, then celebrated my weight loss with a sick amount of chips and queso immediately after.


*Eons before 'points' were discovered, there was a thing called a 'floater'. I lived for floaters.

* I remember when the 'fat and fiber' plan came in to power, ousting the check-off box system. I felt liberated.

*When 'fat and fiber' gave way to the points system, I quickly figured out how to only eat junk food and still lose weight.


*Dottie's Weight Loss Zone. If you haven't experienced this bit of Americana, you really should check it out.

Has anyone else had a longstanding love hate relationship with Weight Watchers?

Milkfake diet

Day 6 of 'dumb diets' week: the milkshake diet.

There are many many versions of this diet. I've done two versions and lost weight both times. The second time was especially dumb. So I'll focus on that one.

It was a 'medically supervised fast'. You had to go to a sort of support-group/ weigh-in/ purchase-your-products meeting once a week. At a hospital. Most of the people there had hundreds of pounds to lose. My dad and I went together. I think we each had about 50 pounds we wanted to lose at the time.

While my dad and I never really talked about it, I think we stuck to it for two reasons.

A) We were the thinnest people in the room. Who doesn't like that?

2) We bonded over making smart alleck comments during the group meeting. For example, the leader would ask: "Did anyone find a new good way to cope with temptation to snack this week?" My dad would say "I smoked about a carton and a half of cigarrettes." I'd say "I prank called everyone who ever called me fat."

In case you've never done it, a medically supervised fast is where you drink 'milkshakes' made out of 50 calorie packets of powder and eat nothing.

Some people do these fasts for months and months. So naturally, they go crazy. My milkshake amigos were always coming up with creative/revolting ways to choke down the powder packets.

One big fat gal never shut up about making 'crackers' in the microwave with a tablespoon of water, a vanilla shake packet, and a damp paper towel.

Another favorite was the same recipe but with the chocolate powder. That's if you wanted a cookie, though, not a cracker.

You could make 'ice cream' by freezing a shake. Pudding was made by using half the normal amount of water. If you wanted tapioca pudding or rice pudding, you just didn't beat all the lumps out of it.

Even ten years later, the smell of any powdered food product still makes me gag. At least cake mix is no longer tempting.

Fat free revolution

Remember these?

Day five of 'dumb diets' week is an ode to the 'fat free' lifestyle.

The same year that I was obsessed with this movie, I became convinced that if I ate no fat I would get skinny.

As if a gift from heaven above, Nabisco came out with fat free Devil's food cookies about the same time. I remember it took some luck to score a box, because they were selling so fast.

I think this was also around the time that WOW chips came out. Remember the chips fried in Olestra? LIKE Doritos, but with a warning of 'anal leakage' printed on the back. WOW indeed!

My other fat free faves were skittles, starburst, and pasta.

It is no surprise that I did not get skinny despite my commitment to SnackWells and skittles. And I developed a pretty bad snacking habit. SnackWell my ass.

Dumb diets, take four

As I mentioned yesterday, the trauma of the raw foods diet sent me into a tailspin going the opposite direction.

Day four of 'dumb diets' week is dedicated to the 'never diet again' diet.

I had heard that some of my church friends were losing weight following a plan that involved giving up dieting and eating whatever they wanted. Their plan involved a lot of prayer, asking God to relieve them of their struggle with weight.

I skipped the praying and went strait for the cinnamon rolls.

I thoroughly enjoyed this diet for about a month. When my clothes started getting too tight the party was over.

Did anyone else try a version of this one?

I'll have mine RAW

Day three of 'dumb diets' weeks is dedicated to the raw foods diet.

It is not inherently a dumb diet. It's a dumb diet for me because I don't like vegetables, and I mainly eat fruit just to be pc.

The gist of the raw diet is to eat only raw fruits and vegetables. Nothing cooked at all. This diet also forbids diet coke. In fact, raw foodies refer to soda as 'chemical soup.' And they mean that in a bad way.

I tried this diet in college when I lived in Los Angeles. It was very popular then, and I think it might still be. One thing I love about LA is that they don't even pretend that weight loss is about bettering your health. I knew lots of people who ate raw, and I think all of them smoked. At first this seemed laughable, and then I realized it really helped. Don't worry. I quit.

One of my colleagues at the restaurant where I waited tables introduced me to the diet. She claimed she was always in a state of euphoria and it was because her insides were so incredibly clean due to raw foods. Of course I had to try it. About three weeks into the diet, I learned my waitress friend was just nuts and the euphoria had nothing to do with kale.

After I gagged on beet juice I decided to give the 'stop dieting' diet a try. More on that one tomorrow.

Cabbage soup

The cabbage soup diet pretty much makes fun of itself. I'll post it here in case you slept through this one or just don't remember 1996 very well.

Day One:
Fruit: Eat all of the fruit you want (except bananas). Eat only your soup and the fruit for the first day. For drinks- unsweetened teas, cranberry juice and water.

Day Two:
Vegetables: Eat until you are stuffed will all fresh, raw or cooked vegetables of your choice. Try to eat leafy green vegetables and stay away from dry beans, peas and corn. Eat all the vegetables you want along with your soup. At dinner, reward yourself with a big baked potato with butter. Do not eat fruit today.

Day Three:
Mix Days One and Two: Eat all the soup, fruits and vegetables you want. No Baked Potato.

Day Four:
Bananas and Skim Milk: Eat as many as eight bananas and drink as many glasses of skim milk as you would like on this day, along with your soup. This day is supposed to lessen your desire for sweets.

Day Five:
Beef And Tomatos: Ten to twenty ounces of beef and up to six fresh tomtoes. Drink at least 6 to 8 glasses of water this day to wash the uric acid from your body. Eat your soup at least once this day. You may eat broiled or baked chicken instead of beef (but absolutely no skin-on chicken). If you prefer, you can substitute broiled fish for the beef one one of the beef days (but not both).

Day Six:
Beef and Vegetables: Eat to your heart's content of beef and vegetables this day. You can even have 2 or 3 steaks if you like, with leafy green vegetables. No Baked Potato. Eat your soup at least once.

Day Seven:
Brown rice, unsweetened fruit juices and vegetables: Again stuff, stuff, stuff yourself. Be sure to eat your soup at least once this day.

(Diet plan from this webpage. Emphasis added.)

The website also says that this diet is to be followed for seven days, then not to be repeated for at least two weeks. Just enough time to gain back the weight that you lost during round one.

I did this diet in high school, I think my freshman year. Day four was really rough for me because I don't eat bananas and I can't drink milk. I also am sure I didn't even taste the cabbage soup or have a vegetable on veggie day either.

I am curious to know what would happen if your heart was not content with your meat consumption on day six? And what if you DID have fruit on day 2?

Monday Update

Minus 2 this week. That's a total of 11.4 pounds lost. Yea!